The Newlyweds Next-Door - Chapter 02
Posted by: Kura in Writing, The Newlyweds Next-DoorThe Newlyweds Next-door
Chapter 02
*David’s phone rings, David answering and beginning to argue with the person on the other line*
I have to admit, I did not care for his ex-wife. She is in fact one of my two most arc nemeses, the evil bad guy in an RPG that is always making your adventure more difficult, and you never get the chance to try and kill until the very end of the game, and if you do get the chance to fight them before the end it will always be in a mock battle that you can never win.
But more importantly than that-
*Noah runs back into David’s line of vision*
Noah: You have kids!?
David: Noah why do you look so surprised? There’s no way you could not have known about this.
*He turns away walking towards the house, still talking on the phone, Noah following after him*
Noah: Ok, I know that every time your ex-wife calls it usually concerning a custody battle, but I had thought that was something related more to a house, furniture or money. Not kids!
*continues to follow after David*
Noah: David! Please tell me you’re joking!
*David stops talking for a moment as he looks back at Noah*
David: Nancy will you hold on for a moment, I’ll be right back with you.
*David holds hand over the phone so that the person on the other end can’t hear them*
David: Please tell me that you’re the one who’s joking about this!
Noah: I’m not!!
David: How could you now know about Timothy and Alex? I talk about my boys all the time!
Noah: …
*thinking back*
**
*Noah is sitting on David’s sofa while David is in the kitchen cooking*
Noah: What are you making?
David: Warming up some ravioli, I have a bunch left over from when Tim and Alex came over. Tim absolutely loves the stuff, if we don’t end up ordering out I end up making this stuff for him.
**
*Noah gets into David’s car*
Noah: You’re late.
David: Sorry about that, I had to drive Tim and Alex home before I came to pick you up. Watch out Tim was eating in the car and he’s kind of a messy eater.
Noah: Yeah great… thanks for telling me that after I sat down.
**
*Noah on the phone*
Noah: Hey David where are you?
David: I am at the doctor’s office right now. Alex’s been feeling under the weather as of late.
Noah: He couldn’t have taken himself there?
David: Good one Noah, I’ll call you when I get back home.
**
*Noah phoning David again*
Noah: Hey David! My band canceled their practice for tonight, so I was thinking I could come over to your place for a while, you know, pass the time there.
David: Sounds great Noah, unfortunately today is not a good day… Tim and I are going to the hockey game tonight.
Noah: What? Can’t you take a rain check?
David: I can’t do that, you have any idea how mad Tim would be with me if I canceled on him?
Noah: But David-
David: Another time Noah, you’ll have plenty more opportunities I’m sure.
**
Noah: I thought Timothy and Alex were friends of yours! Not your kids!
Noah: If I would have known they were your kids I wouldn’t have cried my heart when I called you and you told me that you couldn’t spend time with me that day because you were at a hockey game with Timothy!! I thought you were cheating on me!!
David: …
Noah: The only way Noah managed to get to sleep that night was from telling himself repeatedly in his head “They’re just friends, its okay if he hangs out with friends, they’re just friends, there’s nothing at all for you to worry about.”
David: Noah calm down, you’re talking in third person again.
Noah: Now that Noah knows that they’re your kid now he feels like a complete jerk!! What kind of person asks a dad to skip out on a hockey game with their kid!?
David: Noah calm down!
Noah: Noah can’t calm down!!
*David pats him on the back*
David: Look Noah, it’s okay. Alright so maybe there was some misunderstandings or miscommunications regarding this. But this really is not that big a deal, I mean you love kids, so you’ll have no problem adapting to these two.
Noah: David, Noah hates kids!
David: How can you hate kids? You volunteer at a children’s camp.
Noah: Ya! The volunteering is exactly the reason Noah hate kids as much as he does!!
**
*Noah surrounded my screaming and crying kids*
Noah: Can this day get not get any longer…?
*he screams and ducks for cover when blue paint suddenly starts to shoot and splash all over the room, all of the kids screaming and running for cover, Noah slowly getting back to his feet and looking back towards a little boy who is holding an empty container of paint with a huge smile on his face and paint all over his body*
Noah: Why would you throw the whole bucket of blue finger paint into the fan…?
*The kid laughs at him*
Boy: Because it’s fun!!
*he picks up another bucket winging brown paint from the container up into the fan, brown paint splashing all over the room and everyone in it*
Boy: Now it looks like everyone is covered in diarrhea!! *laughs*
Noah: I really hope that you have an allergic reaction to the camp food.
*boy keeps laughing*
***
Noah: Children are the reason that Noah will never have an intimate relationship with a woman!! … well… that and the whole liking men thing… but still!!
David: Noah calm down, it’s really not going to be as bad as you think.
*returns to talking on the phone*
David: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to Nancy, she’s having some issues with the custody changes that have been made regarding the kids.
Noah: David I’m too young to have kids!!
David: No you’re not, you’ll be turning twenty six this month, you’ll be just fine.
*A horrified look fills Noah’s face*
Noah: …oh… my god… he still thinks I’m twenty five…
*David is about to start talking on the phone again but stops as he quickly turns back to Noah*
David: Wait… what…?
***
David: So far my experience with the whole same sex dating scene has been… well unenlightening. Relationships are more about sex, and so far it’s hard for me to find someone who interested in more then just a teenage sex-capade.
Noah: What’s wrong with teenagers?
David: Nothing, I just don’t think a teenager quiet has the maturity level I am looking for.
Noah: … oh…
David: So how old are you?
Noah: Me?? Oh… uh…
*sits up and tries to look more mature*
Noah: I’m, twenty five.
David: Really…? You look younger.
Noah: That’s because I’m Asian… Asian’s always look young for their age.
David: Oh, okay. Well that would make you seven years younger then me then. Quiet a gap… that’s okay though, you were a really fun person to get to know, and I had a great time talking to you. I’d love a second date.
**
Noah: I kind of lied on our first date to make you think I was older… ‘cause you said you weren’t interested in teenagers… and I guess I never bothered to bring up again since then…
David: …
*hangs up the phone*
David: Please tell me that you are at least legal.
Noah: Of course!!
*David walks away with a horrified look on his face*
Noah: I’m turning twenty in three weeks if it makes you feel any better!
David: …
Noah: David… David I love you! David love has no boundaries be they gender, nationality or age!! David come back!!!
*Mr. Princess scurries after Noah following him and David while Goliath falls asleep on the front lawn*
Needless to say… things got a little bit weird between us. I mean, these were rather awkward situations, both things were general information that you usually knew about someone before getting married, yet somehow happened to miss…
*Noah is now in front of a mirror getting dressed in semi casual clothes*
David: Why would you not tell me your age? I think it would have been nice to know before getting married.
Noah: Look it just never really came up again! And I completely forgot that I lied to you!
David: It never occurred to you that it might be important for me to know?
Noah: I said I forgot! Come on, it’s not that big of a deal. So what if I’m actually twelve years younger then you.
David: Noah that’s over a decade’s worth of age difference!
Noah: Hey! It’s not like your old enough to be my father! That’s a good thing right?
David: …
Noah: Besides you still love me right? Because my age seems like petty grounds for a divorce.
David: No. Of course not.
Noah: And you still would have married me if I would have told you my age beforehand right?
David: …
Noah: Right?
David: Of course I would have… I’m just a little surprised that’s all.
Noah: You know I don’t see why this is such a big deal.
David: How is this not a problem for you? You don’t find dating… or being married to a guy over a decade older than you weird in anyway?
Noah: No.
David: How is that possible?
Noah: I find older men hot.
David: You what…?
Noah: Yes, anyone younger than me or less than six years older than me I do not find attractive.
David: … you like old men…?
Noah: Well not really old men! More like men in the thirties to fifties… maybe even early sixties.
David: …
Noah: I really don’t see me going out with anyone older… except maybe Sean Connery… if he asked me out I would make an exception, no joke.
David: Sean Connery…
*Noah staring off into nowhere with a dreamy expression on his face*
David: O…k… then.
Noah: Besides, if you think about it, this is exactly the same as you and the kids thing. I didn’t know about them before getting married to you, and if I had known about them I still would have married you, it’s just a little surprising… and a lot more trouble than a pesky little age difference!
David: Noah, everything is going to be fine. Next week you’ll get to meet them. You’ll love them I promise, you’ll realize that all of this uneasiness you have right now would have been for nothing.
Noah: I get to see them next week? You finished your custody battle?
David: Oh god I wish. No, they just spend every second weekend with me, remember?
Noah: I’m going to tell you the honest truth, just because I hate lying to you-
David: You lied to me about your age.
Noah: Yeah! And we both saw how horribly that turned out! Never again David. Never again.
Noah: Anyway, I’m telling you the honest truth here. I’m not looking forward to the whole kids thing. Children bring unneeded drama into a relationship, kids don’t like ‘replacement parents’ they make movies about it you know!
David: I’m sure you’ll change your mind after getting a chance to meet them.
Noah: Have you seen those movies where the kids bring hell on earth to their step-parents or their parents dates!?
David: It’ll be nothing like those cheesy movies Noah, trust me, you’re going to be fine.
Noah: You say that now, but you’ll think differently when you find me drowning in a giant pecan pie with my hair dyed green and roller skates crazy glued on my feet!
David: I’m… pretty positive that something like that isn’t going to happen.
Noah: Whatever.
*Finishes straitening his clothes out*
David: By the way Noah, where are you running off to?
Noah: It’s Sunday David. Where do you think I’m going?
David: I’m… not sure.
Noah: Church David! How could you not know this?
David: … you’re Catholic?
Noah: No! Christian!! David you don’t mix the two up, they get angry when you do!
David: Oh… I didn’t know there was a difference.
Noah: What? How that’s possible, aren’t you Christian?
David: Noah… when did I say that? The Christian and Catholic religions are one of the most well known enemies of homosexuals everywhere! Why would I be either?
Noah: But how can that be…? Martin introduced us! He’s the youth pastor at my church!! Why would the youth pastor of a church introduce me to someone that isn’t a Christian?
David: I don’t know… what confuses me more is the fact that a pastor would be hooking homosexuals up.
Noah: If you’re not a Christian than what are you?
David: I’m an Atheist.
Noah: … Atheist…
Noah: Ok, so you’re an Atheist. I can handle this… it’s no big deal…
Noah: *freaks out* I am going to go to hell when I die!
David: I’m starting to think that the two of us have a few communication issues that need to be sorted through.
Noah: Eternal damnation!!
David: Well, fine, you go to church, I’ll start unpacking on my own.
Noah: I’m going to suffer for eternity in the pits of hell!!
David: Noah we’re gay! In Christian terms, that means that we’re already going to hell!
Noah: *screams* Ahh!
*there is a honk from a car outside*
Noah: Oh you are lucky that the youth group carpool is here to pick me up!!
David: …
Noah: We are so finishing this when I get back!
*runs towards the door of the house*
David: Sweet Jesus he’s still in a youth group…
Noah: Do not use the name of the son of God in vain!! Fire and brimstone David! FIRE and BRIMSTONE!
David: …
